I acted pretty blah to him today. The signs are there. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. Coach assigns us a book to read together. As previously mentioned, no two midlife crises will look the same, even among people of the same gender. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. What Is a Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes And How To Cope With It Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA And I believed it. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. You are free to make your own decision. I think we can always do better. I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. He makes sly comments sometimes. He said to me a few weeks ago that when we first separated, after a little while he was convinced I was seeing someone else, so he kind of knows how I feel..and I was like umm? Major London fog. At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. My CH had a more difficult time leaving her alone. I wish he had any idea how this feels. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. The old line love you but not in love with you. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. I feel like I hate the guy! It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. He wont get counseling. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. That she loved me. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. But she knew exactly what she was doing. B/c he was planning on leaving me. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. I think thats all part of it. Its not reality. Has giveN you some great advice. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I hope he comes to his senses. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. No lateness. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. The only thing that was happening was I was a total wreck, and that didnt affect you like it should have. When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. You MUST have a plan B. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. And Im also terrified he will rush into a divorce, when we have both said all along we didnt want to do that yet. You are wasting your time. You remain calm. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. I have not always been the best partner. What is that about? I should just be honest with him and tell him I dont know what to do and where we stand, but im so sick of bringing things up and watching his face just fall in annoyance (sometimes). You are not stopping him from being a cheater/drinker/party boy. I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about. He was no longer a bit arrogant. If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? I thanked him for apologizing. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. He will regret it one day. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. You have to make a choice. Bc this is absolutely awful. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). Before that could happen, we had a 2 week Hawaiian vacation planned, and the day we returned my mom died! There is nothing you can do to change his mind. Ive felt this way for years. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. WebThe mid-life spouse cannot move that far backward into full fog again, once awakened in this way. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. I have seen this scenario many times w/ my friends. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. Or prettier. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. I want to show confidence, I want to do the 180 and truly DO it and live my life to show him im still the woman he fell in love with, but I cant seem to do that. i have not been supportive of her decisions. So I appeased him b/c I did not think we would last and I wanted my financial protection. And I wont back down. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I had to put my kids first and coukd not just give up and roll into a ball. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. One of our problems is he thinks i dont like him going out with friends etc, so I have tried very hard to work on that. I would find my poker face, investigated, laid low until I could see with my own 2 eyes whether it was indeed friendship that went to far or more. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. They may think they won. Its like, do I want to be my laid back self and just stop bringing everything up and just hope our connection can grow without all the anger and just push my fears aside and stop bringing it up and try to be patient even if he IS seeing her and just focus on us getting along for now. No is an answer. It will help you and your marriage. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. Which isnt true. You just sped up the process and got yourself out of living in limbo. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. He doesnt want to help you in any way. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. The ego boost. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. trouble is the tunnel You tried everything else. I dont care what they think I just called you on something without getting upset or angry. Second was he was proving he was changing. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. He was getting out. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Ouch! And you have to go through all that before love can even begin to start being felt again. I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. So sorry for you. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. He had to come to that conclusion on his own. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. Saturday morning laying in bed, I ask So how do you picture retirement? He says nothing and talks to the cat. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. And when I was, I didnt take it. He beefed for another chance. You dont forgive him and its swept under the rug. How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog - Emotional Affair After a couple of months, if theyre still continuing the affair and in the fog, you have to start changing your behavior somehow. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. We have such pleasant conversation when he gets home and we will usually hangout together with the baby and laugh and have a good time for an hour or so before I go to bed in the room and he heads to the couch. I feel good about myself. No way. I dont want to be around him. I think the issues stem the fact that he thought that because we were in contact we were still in a relationship. He is trying to have you and the OW and it appears from all the back and forth he doesnt know what he wants. He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. But nothing you do will influence him. A month later we went to the workshop. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. But he was very adament they are not speaking. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. You can read the comments from that discussion here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. He had you in limbo. His actions are showing you what he wants. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Different than now? I am abnormally sad, like a new low. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get Again I think there is more to this story. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings. It is SO BIZARRE. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. We have all been in your shoes. I have even pushed our kids, who are angry with my wife for her ongoing affair, to give her extra love out if fear that if she feels unloved that she has no reason to stay. My assumption is that in order to come out of the fog, you have to start making better choices. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. It would be good to know what it is. I was completely wrong on that. Unfortunately he used all of my suggestions against me with the OW. No argument. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. Obviously, we know begging and pleading didnt work. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. The fog was so thick. Hang in there. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. You forgive him for your own healing. He may try to blame you. I was very standoffish, not mean, just did my own thing.
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